Waiting for approval

Dear Corner-of-the-Internet,

I made a discovery recently.

I'm not sure if discoveries are good or just depressing. Cause on the one hand, now I know.
But on the other hand, I can't change anything about it, and now I know.

Anyway, here's the discovery.

Recently, I was deciding between two grad schools. They were both great schools and it was a big decision. But I knew which one I wanted right off the bat: School A.

And yet, it took me two weeks of anxiety-induced stomach pains to finally make that decision. Two weeks. Full of crying, attacks, and a lack of sleep. Even though I KNEW WHICH ONE I WANTED.

Why did it take that long? Because I was afraid others thought I should choose School B.

That's it. That's the whole reason for that anxiety.

I was afraid of what someone else would think of my decision.

How absolutely ridiculous is that?

Actually, looking back, I didn't even really consider School B until someone told me it was great. I was content to live my live with the school I wanted. Then someone told me that School B would be better and I rethought my entire graduate school choice.

And apparently, I do this a lot. I don't seems to really make any decisions without first consulting someone else. I need to hear their verbal approval before I head forward.

Maybe it's the artist in me. Have I mentioned I'm an artist? My BA is in Film. My Masters will be in film as well. So maybe it's the artistic side that craves approval. I want people to tell me I did good. That my work is good. To be proud of what I did so that I can be proud of what I did.

But that, frankly, is crap.

Why do I need to wait for someone else's approval before I can feel approved? Why is my approval, my opinion, my sentiment not enough?

Because I'm human. Because I'm still in my twenties and not fully developed. Because I feel other people validate my work more than I do, maybe.

I could think of a thousand reasons but it all comes down to this- I want people's approval. And I delude myself into thinking that my decisions and accomplishments are nothing without other people's approval. I mean, I almost gave up a once in a lifetime opportunity to study in Ireland because I thought someone might disagree with my decision.

Granted, this person is someone important. I value their opinion and they play an important role in my life. But they aren't me. And I shouldn't base my life around what they expect me to do.

It should be based on what I want to do. Sure, people will have experienced instruction on certain matters. And of course, I should take other people's feelings into consideration- let's not be a jerk. But I can care how others feel without caring about what they think.

Because making a choice solely based on what someone else thinks is pointless. It sucks the life from you.

To be frank, the amount of time your choices cross their mind in is small. Not to say you aren't important, but people don't spend most of their day focused only on someone else's life.

Okay, I feel like I'm rambling now. So I'll try and sum this up.

I wrote this post because I realized that I'm letting too much of my life center around the idea of letting others down. And I'm tired of that. I don't know how to fix it. I'm sorry if you kept reading thinking there was an answer. All I know is that if I want to be happy- to stop having these attacks whenever I make a choice bigger than "paper or plastic?"- I need to stop circling around other's thoughts. I need to be okay with what I think. I need to not wait for words of affirmation before I move on.

Don't you agree?

Oh wait, I don't need to care.

RB