Negative Thoughts are Negative Things

Dear Internet users who should be in bed by now,

Hi again. It's been a while.

I've been having attacks again lately. And when I have an attack, I don't normally want to do anything. I want to hide under covers and play music until I forget what's happening to me. Hence me not writing in a long time.

But I know writing is good for me, and so I write. Or, I guess, so I type.

Anyway, here's the problem as of late:

I'm a negative person. I think negative thoughts and I get frustrated very easily. My whole day can be ruined by one bad event, and it doesn't even have to be big. And even that frustrates me.

I read somewhere that dwelling on negative thoughts works the same as addictive drugs. The thoughts consume you. And even worse, just like drugs, negative thoughts deteriorate our whole self. They hurt not only your emotional state, but your mental and physical as well.

I know this first hand. I have gotten to the point of physical illness from dwelling on the bad. It's not harmful.

I don't know how to stop thinking negatively. If I did I'm sure this post would get a lot more views. I've read a bunch of books, looked all across Google, talked to psychology friends about it. I think that's actually made me more frustrated. The answer I seem to come across all the time is "decide to be happy."

"Choose to think good thoughts instead."

Very helpful...

Maybe that works for some of the world. If it does, great! I'm legitimately glad that people can change their mindset by just not being negative anymore. But that doesn't seem to work for me. You can't tell me to just "be happy" and call it good. Cause, well, how?? How do I just "be happy"? To me, that's the equivalent of this conversation:

Novice: "I want to paint better. Can you tell me how to do that?"

Painter: "Simple. Just stop painting badly."

Novice: "Yes, that's the goal. But I don't know how to start. Are there steps to improving?"

Painter: "Just one: paint better."

Novice: ".... Right, but how? Maybe a class, or some techniques, or certain paintbrushes?"

Painter: "You're painting too much. Stop painting bad, and do it better. Don't paint bad things. Paint only good things, and then your paintings will be good."

The correct response to this would be "screw you, I'm gonna go find another teacher," but I haven't found a good painting instructor yet. All I've found is the above advice. And that's frustrating.

And there we go, back to the beginning. It's probably not good when trying to find advice on how not to be frustrated makes you more frustrated. But alas, so goes the internet.

However, amid all the non-advice, I have found something I like:

"Decide."

This isn't a fully formed idea yet, let me apologize for that up front. But it's a spark.

See, although our thoughts are hard to control, they are, after all, our thoughts. And while I'm not exactly sure how, we can decide what goes on in our lives. In the end, we get the final say.

Thoughts are hard to control. Actions are easier. But if actions come from thoughts, perhaps the line can flow both ways.

So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna work on actions I can take to try and change my negative thoughts. Maybe this won't help my frustration. Maybe this won't help me in any way at all. But, what have I got to lose, right?

RB

Dead Hard Drive

Dear blog,

My computer died today. Took it to the store and everything- the hard drive is shot.

I've lost everything. 5 years worth os documents and I've lost it all.

I'm not sure wether I should cry or scream or throw something. I debated throwing the computer, but I didn't think it would help. I hit a pillow a few times. And screamed at a wall.

It's strange that I'm feeling this emotion over this object, but it's not the hard drive, it's everything that was on it. All my photos, documents, my writings.

All my writings.

I know this may just be an initial overreaction. But I think I'm allowed to be pissed here.

I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. Not small things, like your doughnut shop being out of your favorite flavor- but bigger things. Things that really impact what you do and how you view your day. I think losing a computer counts as one of those things.

So what's the reason? What's this teaching me? Or showing me? Maybe it's too soon to figure that out right now. But I need to think of something, otherwise I'll be pissed for the next few days, and I'd rather not be pissed on my birthday.

Maybe it's this:

I've lost five years of stuff- but that includes five years of junk. Five years worth of that stuff that I could never delete and I never knew why. Five years of things that made me sad when I saw them. Five years worth of collected "goals" that weren't really my goals anymore. Five years worth of bad writing that helped me to grow but was okay to move on from.

But who knows. I'm not even entirely sure why I'm writing this- I don't have a lesson to share. I guess, I'm just writing cause I don't know what else to do. Just letting the world know that I'm upset. And letting myself know that I'm upset.

And I think that's fair.

RB

Waiting for approval

Dear Corner-of-the-Internet,

I made a discovery recently.

I'm not sure if discoveries are good or just depressing. Cause on the one hand, now I know.
But on the other hand, I can't change anything about it, and now I know.

Anyway, here's the discovery.

Recently, I was deciding between two grad schools. They were both great schools and it was a big decision. But I knew which one I wanted right off the bat: School A.

And yet, it took me two weeks of anxiety-induced stomach pains to finally make that decision. Two weeks. Full of crying, attacks, and a lack of sleep. Even though I KNEW WHICH ONE I WANTED.

Why did it take that long? Because I was afraid others thought I should choose School B.

That's it. That's the whole reason for that anxiety.

I was afraid of what someone else would think of my decision.

How absolutely ridiculous is that?

Actually, looking back, I didn't even really consider School B until someone told me it was great. I was content to live my live with the school I wanted. Then someone told me that School B would be better and I rethought my entire graduate school choice.

And apparently, I do this a lot. I don't seems to really make any decisions without first consulting someone else. I need to hear their verbal approval before I head forward.

Maybe it's the artist in me. Have I mentioned I'm an artist? My BA is in Film. My Masters will be in film as well. So maybe it's the artistic side that craves approval. I want people to tell me I did good. That my work is good. To be proud of what I did so that I can be proud of what I did.

But that, frankly, is crap.

Why do I need to wait for someone else's approval before I can feel approved? Why is my approval, my opinion, my sentiment not enough?

Because I'm human. Because I'm still in my twenties and not fully developed. Because I feel other people validate my work more than I do, maybe.

I could think of a thousand reasons but it all comes down to this- I want people's approval. And I delude myself into thinking that my decisions and accomplishments are nothing without other people's approval. I mean, I almost gave up a once in a lifetime opportunity to study in Ireland because I thought someone might disagree with my decision.

Granted, this person is someone important. I value their opinion and they play an important role in my life. But they aren't me. And I shouldn't base my life around what they expect me to do.

It should be based on what I want to do. Sure, people will have experienced instruction on certain matters. And of course, I should take other people's feelings into consideration- let's not be a jerk. But I can care how others feel without caring about what they think.

Because making a choice solely based on what someone else thinks is pointless. It sucks the life from you.

To be frank, the amount of time your choices cross their mind in is small. Not to say you aren't important, but people don't spend most of their day focused only on someone else's life.

Okay, I feel like I'm rambling now. So I'll try and sum this up.

I wrote this post because I realized that I'm letting too much of my life center around the idea of letting others down. And I'm tired of that. I don't know how to fix it. I'm sorry if you kept reading thinking there was an answer. All I know is that if I want to be happy- to stop having these attacks whenever I make a choice bigger than "paper or plastic?"- I need to stop circling around other's thoughts. I need to be okay with what I think. I need to not wait for words of affirmation before I move on.

Don't you agree?

Oh wait, I don't need to care.

RB

Good Morning, Melmac

Dear ---, well....

To be honest, I'm not really sure who I'm writing this blog for.

Maybe it's for me. Maybe it's for the universe. Maybe it's for a short, hair creature traveling from the planet Melmac (that's 80's references- they happen a lot).

The point is: there is no point.

I get bad anxiety and that anxiety lessens when I talk about my problems, but talking about them to an actual person makes me anxious. Fun cycle, isn't it?

So I'm talking about them here. Or, rather, writing about them here. For this little corner of the internet. Where it might only be read by one bored CPA as he's stuck in a two hour layover Googling the word "Melmac"- which has now appeared two times in this post.

As the title implies, these will be the ramblings of a person with a lot of ambition, and a lot of anxiety. Hopefully, the first one will win out.

At least, that's the one I'm rooting for.

RB