Podcast Answers

For those of you that asked the questions, here's the answers. No offense is meant by any answers, I just wanted to give honest opinions.

Also, I realize how often I say the word "like." It's annoying.

For anyone having trouble hearing the answers, or that want to just skip to their answer, I transcribed the recording as well.

Hope you enjoy!

DAY ONE:

R (me): I feel like every good podcast should have an intro, but I don't really have music, and I don't actually even have a name for this podcast. I mean it'd be a lot easier if I could say: this week on Random Podcast, brought to you by Digital Storyworlds and the fact that I would like to get an A. But I don't have either of those. So, this is kind of what you're stuck with.
I'm doing this because I wanted to explore the relationship between podcasts and social media, so I asked a bunch of my friends and family to post questions about my study abroad, and I decided to answer them in this podcast.
I answered the questions on two different days. The first half of the answers, you're going to hear my voice along with my classmate, Birte, and her sister, Frauke (both German). And then the second day, it's just going to be me. So, without further ado, let's dive in.

JOE: Are you going to come back to America sounding like Saoirse Ronan? Will you change the spelling of your name to something that doesn't look like it sounds... just like Saoirse Ronan?

R: Um, no. I- I can't do- people keep asking me to do Irish accents, and I can't do an Irish accent. And I think the main part behind that is that I'm afraid to practice it in Ireland, because, that's like- you can't practice an accent in front of people who actually have the accent. Like, I'd never go over to Germany and pretend to have a German accent.
F: Well you could give it a go, we'll have a good laugh.
R: And I also will not change the spelling of my name because, that's just- I like it when people can actually pronounce my name. So.

ANNALEE: What is the craziest thing you have eaten? How was it?

R: I ate haggis, but I don't think that's too crazy, and it was fine. And then, black pudding was disgusting, but I don't- I wouldn't consider that crazy. Was there something I ate in Germany that was weird? I feel like everything I ate in Germany was...
B: Just amazing.
R: Good, yeah. It was just really good.
B: Kinder chocolates and...
R: I feel like I've been avoiding weird food. I've eaten, like the things that people suggested, like black pudding and haggis, but I haven't been, like, out of my way to find, like, a fish-head popsicle or something.
F: I think lasagna with chunky chips (fries) is weird.
B: Lasagna-
R: Oh, yeah.
B: Lasagna with bread in there.
R: I didn't eat that, though, that was Livia, but...
B: Neither, but was- apparently that's a thing.
R: That is weird. Yeah.

TANNER: What's something you've failed to experience so far and what's holding you back?

R: This is a very deep question. Something I failed to experience...
B: So did you have, like a list of something you wanted to do while you were here?
R: I did, actually. I did have a list of things that I wanted to do over here. But I feel like I've either be- like, I've been accomplishing all of them, or, like the reason I haven't done it yet is just because it's planned for a later day. Does that make sense? Actually, I haven't gone and just sat down in a pub and listened to Irish mus- Irish music, and I've wanted to do that since I came over here, and I'm not sure why I haven't done it yet. I feel like that's something- I mean, on the one hand I don't drink, so that's a little bit harder, to just be like "I'll just go get a pint" sort of thing, but...
B: You could just get a water, nobodies gonna look at you weirdly.
R: Yeah, exactly. Like, no one would- I think the reason I haven't done it yet is because, I've been, like, saving- I feel like it should be more special. And so I've been, like, saving it. But that's a dumb reason, because...
B: You've been living way out of town.
R: That's also very true, yeah. I've- well I want it to be a pub that has live music, though, that was like, my-
B: Cause that's so hard to find in Dublin.
R: I know, right. It's no where. Irish people hate music.
F: So, what's been holding you back is that you lived outside the city.
R: Yeah, and I feel like, I was, like, saving it for- wanting it to be like, a special occasion. But- I've- We went to the Cobblestone. And I've been to one other pub.
B: That was last month.
R: I know. Alright. Well then I'll go to one this next week.

*(side note, I've gone to two since this recording)

WHITNEY: What's something (a place, food, building, idea, etc.) that you weren't expecting to fall in love with but did?

R: I think the thing- one of the things I've loved the most is Liverpool. And I knew that I would like Liverpool, because the Beatles were there, but I didn't realize that I would absolutely love that place. Which sounds weird, like of all the places I've been, but... no I- I really, really loved Liverpool. But I feel like when I came over here I was expecting to, just kind of love everything. So.
F: Did you hate some thing?
R: Oh yeah. Lots of things.
F: Places?
R: Yes, but I feel like maybe I shouldn't answer that question until after I've left.

ELLA MAE: In what way have you grown with this experience? And I don't mean weight

R: I know how to use the Irish bus system now, so that's... I don't know. I feel like when you're living your daily life, you don't really see growth, you know? So I feel like if I read through some of my journal entries or something from when I started this, I'd be like, "Oh wow, yeah, I have grown a lot," but right now I'm like, "No, I'm still so... insignificant." Or "insecure" I guess might be a better word. I don't know. What do you guys think? I mean you guys are from Germany and Europe already. I mean do you guys- do you feel like...
F: So when I have to do things, I actually do them. Because I know no one else is doing them. In Germany I try to push them away as far as possible. But here I just pick up the phone and I call people and tell them, like, "What's the story? Like, what do you want me to do? Cause I have no clue what your email/letter meant." So, in that way, I get things done cause I know I have to do them.
R: Yeah. Yeah, I'd agree with that. Like, I have to deal with a lot more without being able to call my dad and be like, "Dad! What do I do now?" because it's, like, 2 in the morning at- his time and he won't be awake, so, I do have to handle a lot more of my own stuff. I don't know what do you think? Do you think this is- you've grown at all? Cause you lived in Australia/New Zealand and you traveled a lot and...
B: It's less of, like, growing but rather, like, realizing more stuff about myself.
R: Hmm, okay.
B: Kind of... I'm sure I have changed.

TOM: Say Trinity was magically transported to America. Do you feel your educational experience would have been the same? Or do you think the abroad portion of your studies/life has been significant/necessary in obtaining the education you desire? 

R: Um, yeah, it would be totally different. For one, most of my learning and growing experience over here has been the fact that it's been abroad, not from Trinity itself. In fact, because we have so little time on campus with Trinity, I feel like I don't have that much of a connection to Trinity. Like I do, obviously, it's quite a big portion of my life over here. Especially this semester, with so many, like, projects, but... I don't know. I- I feel like this is much more about being in Ireland and being in Europe. Yeah, so I- I don't- I don't feel like my educational experience would have been the same, because I feel like a lot of- a lot of what I learned over here is not so much getting my masters degree but kind of figuring out myself and learning how to function on my own. I mean I lived- I mean I lived away at college for four years, so I know how to do laundry and, like, get around and do shopping and all that, and I could have functioned well, but I fell like being forced to go somewhere new that has, like, new currency, new politics, new...
B: Culture.
R: Culture, yeah, everything. It's shown me what I want and what I don't want in life. And it's also shown me- this is gonna sound cheesy but it's shown me like, how strong I am. That I've been able to get through all of this stuff. That sounds so cheesy, but...
B: Somebody has to say it.
R: Yeah. Somebody has to say it.

EOIN (OWEN): How do your lived experiences in different cultures compare against your impressions/assumptions of those cultures prior to first-hand encounters?

R: There are definitely stereotypes, uh, whe- of everybody. And I know Americans have them, too. But... the stereotypes aren't un-true... It's, uh, it's also very much proved the- um, my understanding of as a group, people fit their stereotypes more than one-on-one. I feel like when I was in Germany, as a group the German people fit the stereotypes more, but like-
B: We're all unfriendly.
R: But like, you and Frauke and Meltem (another German classmate)-
B: We're not just unfriendly.
R: Well like, be- being on the- yeah. Being on, like, the- the subway, or, um, subway? Is that the transportation in Germany? Everyone had this look of, like, slight anger on their face.
B: We might have, like, given you some fear about that, as well.
F: You were-
B: Cause I'm pretty sure I mentioned that earlier, like...
R: But I- What I'm saying is I feel like, when it's more broad like that, then they fit stereotypes more than when it's one-on-one.
B: Fair.
R: Also, German police terrified me.

DEBRA: How have your travels increased your appreciation of world cultures and the Earth's beauty?

R: Um, it's gorgeous. I have not realized there's so many shades of green. I mean, I'm from the desert, I'll grant you that. But, I guess before I came over here, like, I'd think of the medieval period- you just imagine the kings of England. And that was like, everything I thought. But then, like, we went to a Christmas market in Germany, and you guys had like, the medieval thing I was like, "Oh yeah, Germany was clearly around during that time, too..."

B: They existed. Wait!

R: And was doing stuff, like everyone did. So it's kind of- there's no more blanket anything. Like, everything is very specific now. 

MIKE: Who is your favorite brother?

R: I'm going to abstain from that question. 

JENNIFER: Would you like to spend more time abroad? Which country?

R: I feel like later in my life I will want to spend more time abroad. But I do want to go back to America for a little bit. Oh, I'd love to go to Australia or New Zealand. I do want to go spend some time over there. 

LAURA: Have you picked up the accent as good as Ernie

R: No one's as good as Ernie, Laura. Um- He's not good, by the way. I- I'm assuming you guys figured that one out.

BRANDON: Did you have any bad chippy experiences? (I know I did! Haha)

R: Chippy like, chips (fries)? Like, potato chips?

B: Well, chippy for me is like, the chippery, which is fish and chips.

R: Oh. Um...

B: But then, bad chips experience? Wait, I'll open my 6 volume books of that.

R: I've learned that Ireland doesn't like salt, apparently. You know, I had some really good chips when we were in- when I was in Scotland.

F: Oh, that wasn't Ireland then.

R: Yeah.

STEPHEN: Was there a major cultutre shock while getting used to life in Ireland?

R: I actually had a talk with Caylee about this, Caylee is another American, um, who's in the same program. It's weird because it's- it's like only 5 degrees off what I'm use to.

F: Degrees Fahrenheit or Celsius?

R: So- so it's not like a major culture shock. Everything is like it was back home, but a little bit off. But I feel like that actually kind of made it a little bit harder. Cause it was like, instead of making a whole new column in my brain of, like, "okay, it's a new world," it's like, "oh it's the same world, but a little bit different."

B: Why isn't it working?

R: Yeah, exactly.

F: But is it nice that you can actually relate to things? So when you think about, like, where you can get these kind of things, you know-

R: No, that's the problem is that I can't-

B: She didn't know Dunnes was a supermarket until 2 weeks ago.

R: Yeah. I- There- there is no, like, place that... yeah.

B: Like.

KARESSA: Did you find Darby O'Gill and the Little People? (That movie always scared me) 

R: I don't know what movie you're talking about... I feel like I've failed you as a cousin. I apologize. 

And what is your favorite Irish dish?

R: You know...

F: Mashed potatoes.

R: So, the Irish do this weird thing where they have really, really good basic ingredients and then they don't season them. So it's like they just took a potato and they cooked it and it's a really good potato, but they do nothing with it. Ooo scones! I have fall- I have become addicted to scones over here.

F: Me, too.

B: Yeah. It's good.

MADDY: If you were to grow in one of the cultures you've visited abroad which would it be?

R: So I'm assuming grow up. 

F: I think you can relate to that question a bit more also after you've done all your European trips.

R: That's true.

B: Yeah, cause you're probably gonna end up, like-

F: Cause you will love the Italians so much.

R: Yeah. I guess, as of right now, though, just giving like, person wise... I think it would have been cool to grow up with the Irish, because they're so, kind of like, laid back and they're talkative and stuff and I- they're sarcastic, so I like that. But I don't think I'd want to have grow up in Ireland. I guess if I said I had to grow up in one I'd probably choose England, but that's probably more biased from my opinion of before I came over here, though, cause I've always loved England. 

B: That's fair, though.

R: So.

F; But you could have loved London more than Liverpool.

R: That's true. Yeah, I would have liked Liverpool more than London. 

CHANELLE: How much it would be to study abroad

B: Too much.

R: I'm assuming money. Um, it's not cheep. But it's also- if you compare it to some masters programs in America it's about the same thing. So. I don't know. It would- it depends on where you're going, Chanelle. Sorry. 

DAY TWO

SHERIDAN: How will (or has) this experience change(d) your views on international relations?

R: This is kind of a tricky one and- and I want to give you guys my completely honest opinion. I- I knew before coming over here that America doesn't have the best reputation. But being over here, I've found that some Europeans, not all of them, but a- a good majority seem to want to find things wrong with America. I'm not sure if this is making sense. Um, if some- if something's wrong, or something that we do is stupid or we're, like, meddling in some place that we shouldn't be, they're sure to point it out, but then if there's something else that we do that's... I don't want to say "right." If there's something else that we do that's done well, they still kind of look down on it. It's like they don't want us to be right. They seem to give this response of us being spoiled. I'm not trying to dig on anyone here. It- I just wanted to give my completely honest opinion, that sometimes it does feel like- it makes it really hard to be proud of my country over here because, I'm very aware of the reputation that America has, and that it's not a good reputation. Even... Even though I don't think we always deserve that reputation. But. 

CALLI: Have you tried caramel digestives?

R: I read this question actually on the first day, but I haven't tried them, so I thought, "Oh, I'll go find them and I'll- and I'll try them so I can answer you." I can't find them anywhere! They might just be a U.K. thing. So maybe when I go back over to Edinburgh, I'll have to go on the look out for those, because, they... they sound delicious.

ALEXIS: How has it changed the way you see and analyze art?

R: This is a very good question, and I don't have a good answer for you. I tried to answer this the other day and I couldn't come up with one, so I thought maybe I'd think about it a little bit more. The problem is, I feel like the education I got at BYU prepared me very well for the film world. So I guess, the only difference is probably, that, being over here, I've experienced more films from different cultures. Yeah, I- I know this is a very unsatisfactory answer, and I wish I had a better one for you, which is why I tried to rerecord this, but... I- I know that it has changed my appreciation of art and how I see it and analyze it, but I couldn't tell you how.

MAX: Has living in a new culture changed you in a fundamental manner?

R: So the Irish are the funniest and most sarcastic people I've ever met, and they- they'll definitely just tell it to you straight some times. But they are also the nicest people I've ever met. I have never felt more welcomed. Anytime I've been lost over here, or not knowing how a certain store or system works- they have been so, so very helpful to make sure that I not only know what's going on, but that I'm okay. And I feel like it's taught me- not that I was a mean person before- but it's taught me how important it is to be nice to people. And to show them that you care. Just- just be nice to people. 

CASEY: Have you mastered the art and science of currency exchange?

R: If you're asking me if I now understand how many euros are equal to how many dollars, no. I still look that up every time. If you're asking me if I've mastered money in general over here, if I- if I understand the euro- I mean I understand it. Uh, it does bug me, however, um, that the bills are not the same size over here. Like, in America, all the- dollar bill, five dollar bill, ten dollar bill, they're all the same size so they all fit nicely and they all fold nicely and it's great. The money over here is not like that. Like, the bi- the bigger the monetary value of the bill, the bigger the actul bill is. Which is a strange thing to annoy me, but- but it really bugs me that I can't just fold them all up nice and neat. Also, the one- the one Euro coin over here is kind of annoying. I don't know. I realize I'm probably biased on a lot of this, cause I grew up with the dollar. 

CHELSEA: What one location, which you visited, held the most meaning for you? Why?

R: I feel like I- I kind of answered this a little bit with Whitney. I- Liverpool is such a cool place. It's- It's just one of my favorite places. I think there's a little bit of a bias there, again, because, on the one hand, I've wanted to go to England since I could say the word England, and Liverpool was my first trip going over to England. That probably makes me like it a little more. Plus the Beatles are over there so that definitely adds to it. But the thing about Liverpool is that they have this atmosphere there- it's like- it was like eccentric and creative, but laid back at the same time. It's a little bit hard to explain, but I just love- I just loved that atmosphere.

CHRIS: In what ways have you become more Christlike?

R: The difficultly with answering this question, in my opinion, is because- because I feel it's very hard to find those traits in yourself. It's something that's a lot easier for other people to see in you. So I don't think I- I have a- an answer for this question, but I'm going to answer maybe a variation on this question. Because I do think that He's definitely been trying to teach me something over here. And I think the main lesson that I've been trying to learn- or being forced to learn- is that everything is going to be okay. It's all going to work out in the end. And I just need to remember that and stop worrying. Because worrying doesn't help at all. And in the end, I need to trust that whatever happens, is what's suppose to happen. Everything's gonna be okay.

So that's actually all of the questions. I'm pretty sure I answered all of them now. Uh, I actually had a lot of fun thinking about these questions and answering them. I might want to do this again, maybe, when I come back home. After I've had a chance to kind of regroup and- and figure some of these things out and see where I've changed or if I've changed. So maybe I'll ask this again. I don't know. If you guys want to hear something else.

But for now, I think that is all. Thank you guys so much for sending in your questions. I hope you enjoyed the answers. And, I will talk to you all soon. Bye!

My Mother's (strange) Advice

Hello world and all who inhabit it,

So. It's been a while. Like, a year. Over a year. I apologize for that.

Look, let's be honest for a second. As of right now, this time in my life, this blog is not going to have steady uploads. I've got a lot of stuff going on and this isn't my focus. The whole reason I started this blog was just to get my own thoughts out and help my anxiety, not to start a blog or gain followers.

(I looked at the stats. I'm not starting any revolution here.)

So please don't look to this blog for any source of routine frequency. It won't be there. I will probably start writing in here a little more often to get rid of the amount of stress that has built up in the past few months, but I'm not promising a timetable. Sorry about that...

I'm in Ireland right now. I don't think I mentioned that in a post. I'm over here studying to get my master's degree. And let me tell you- I hate it.

Ireland is fine. The people are great and the traveling around is awesome. But the school- the school is the worst.

Let me explain something first: I have always loved school. All through public school and my undergrad at BYU, I would actually get sad when summer came around and I wasn't able to be at school for three months. Even when the curriculum wasn't easy, school, to me, has always been enjoyable. So for me to say that I hate this university is actually a big deal.

I could go into many reasons why I don't like this school- the program, the grading system, the pretentious attitude of the whole college, but that's another post for a later day. Right now I want to talk about how it's been effecting my life and how I want that to change.

Coming over to Ireland was hard. Harder than I expected for much, much longer than I expected. I had a lot of things go wrong the first month I was here and it didn't set the whole thing off on a good foot. And then, once I found out how much I didn't like the school, it just got worse. I'm about 6 months into this adventure and I still find myself crying about the whole thing. Which normally means my mom also gets to hear that crying, because I Skype/call her often with these worries. The other day, we had another similar talk about how I feel like I should be enjoying this more and I'm wasting my time and I'm tired of always feeling sad, and my mom asked this question:

"If you didn't hate the school, would you still be questioning your decision to go?"

And the answer is, "no."

I say that this has been full of hard things and terrible times, and it has, but it's also been full of great things. I've gone to so many countries. I've made some great memories. I've been given an amazing experience. Yes, it's been hard, but it's also been awesome.

The only thing that's been ruining that is this ridiculous school. Granted, this school is a big part of my time over here. But my being over here is so much more than just this stupid school. So I told her "no." If this school wasn't in the picture, or at least wasn't this terrible, I would probably be enjoying most of my time here.

My mom then proceeded to give me some advice that I never thought I'd hear from her:

"Blow it off."

She said that I need to learn that this school doesn't matter in the long run. It's not worth ruining this whole experience. She said that I won't be happy until I accept that, and if I can't calm down about it while I'm in school, then just blow it off.

Now, I don't plan on blowing school off. I made it this far, so I want to finish. But I see her point. I will try hard in my program and I will turn in my best work, but if this school is making me cry so often; making me physically sick to my stomach; making me question my whole European adventure, then it's not worth it.

No matter how much it may think so, this school is not that important.

So, that's my update. I have been working on my degree, and stressed out of my mind, and spending the last few months trying to figure out why I felt the desire to even come over here in the first place.

Basically, I'm living life in my twenties. Confused, scared, happy, and frustrating. The complete package. Did someone say these were the golden years?

RB

Negative Thoughts are Negative Things

Dear Internet users who should be in bed by now,

Hi again. It's been a while.

I've been having attacks again lately. And when I have an attack, I don't normally want to do anything. I want to hide under covers and play music until I forget what's happening to me. Hence me not writing in a long time.

But I know writing is good for me, and so I write. Or, I guess, so I type.

Anyway, here's the problem as of late:

I'm a negative person. I think negative thoughts and I get frustrated very easily. My whole day can be ruined by one bad event, and it doesn't even have to be big. And even that frustrates me.

I read somewhere that dwelling on negative thoughts works the same as addictive drugs. The thoughts consume you. And even worse, just like drugs, negative thoughts deteriorate our whole self. They hurt not only your emotional state, but your mental and physical as well.

I know this first hand. I have gotten to the point of physical illness from dwelling on the bad. It's not harmful.

I don't know how to stop thinking negatively. If I did I'm sure this post would get a lot more views. I've read a bunch of books, looked all across Google, talked to psychology friends about it. I think that's actually made me more frustrated. The answer I seem to come across all the time is "decide to be happy."

"Choose to think good thoughts instead."

Very helpful...

Maybe that works for some of the world. If it does, great! I'm legitimately glad that people can change their mindset by just not being negative anymore. But that doesn't seem to work for me. You can't tell me to just "be happy" and call it good. Cause, well, how?? How do I just "be happy"? To me, that's the equivalent of this conversation:

Novice: "I want to paint better. Can you tell me how to do that?"

Painter: "Simple. Just stop painting badly."

Novice: "Yes, that's the goal. But I don't know how to start. Are there steps to improving?"

Painter: "Just one: paint better."

Novice: ".... Right, but how? Maybe a class, or some techniques, or certain paintbrushes?"

Painter: "You're painting too much. Stop painting bad, and do it better. Don't paint bad things. Paint only good things, and then your paintings will be good."

The correct response to this would be "screw you, I'm gonna go find another teacher," but I haven't found a good painting instructor yet. All I've found is the above advice. And that's frustrating.

And there we go, back to the beginning. It's probably not good when trying to find advice on how not to be frustrated makes you more frustrated. But alas, so goes the internet.

However, amid all the non-advice, I have found something I like:

"Decide."

This isn't a fully formed idea yet, let me apologize for that up front. But it's a spark.

See, although our thoughts are hard to control, they are, after all, our thoughts. And while I'm not exactly sure how, we can decide what goes on in our lives. In the end, we get the final say.

Thoughts are hard to control. Actions are easier. But if actions come from thoughts, perhaps the line can flow both ways.

So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna work on actions I can take to try and change my negative thoughts. Maybe this won't help my frustration. Maybe this won't help me in any way at all. But, what have I got to lose, right?

RB

Dead Hard Drive

Dear blog,

My computer died today. Took it to the store and everything- the hard drive is shot.

I've lost everything. 5 years worth os documents and I've lost it all.

I'm not sure wether I should cry or scream or throw something. I debated throwing the computer, but I didn't think it would help. I hit a pillow a few times. And screamed at a wall.

It's strange that I'm feeling this emotion over this object, but it's not the hard drive, it's everything that was on it. All my photos, documents, my writings.

All my writings.

I know this may just be an initial overreaction. But I think I'm allowed to be pissed here.

I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. Not small things, like your doughnut shop being out of your favorite flavor- but bigger things. Things that really impact what you do and how you view your day. I think losing a computer counts as one of those things.

So what's the reason? What's this teaching me? Or showing me? Maybe it's too soon to figure that out right now. But I need to think of something, otherwise I'll be pissed for the next few days, and I'd rather not be pissed on my birthday.

Maybe it's this:

I've lost five years of stuff- but that includes five years of junk. Five years worth of that stuff that I could never delete and I never knew why. Five years of things that made me sad when I saw them. Five years worth of collected "goals" that weren't really my goals anymore. Five years worth of bad writing that helped me to grow but was okay to move on from.

But who knows. I'm not even entirely sure why I'm writing this- I don't have a lesson to share. I guess, I'm just writing cause I don't know what else to do. Just letting the world know that I'm upset. And letting myself know that I'm upset.

And I think that's fair.

RB

Waiting for approval

Dear Corner-of-the-Internet,

I made a discovery recently.

I'm not sure if discoveries are good or just depressing. Cause on the one hand, now I know.
But on the other hand, I can't change anything about it, and now I know.

Anyway, here's the discovery.

Recently, I was deciding between two grad schools. They were both great schools and it was a big decision. But I knew which one I wanted right off the bat: School A.

And yet, it took me two weeks of anxiety-induced stomach pains to finally make that decision. Two weeks. Full of crying, attacks, and a lack of sleep. Even though I KNEW WHICH ONE I WANTED.

Why did it take that long? Because I was afraid others thought I should choose School B.

That's it. That's the whole reason for that anxiety.

I was afraid of what someone else would think of my decision.

How absolutely ridiculous is that?

Actually, looking back, I didn't even really consider School B until someone told me it was great. I was content to live my live with the school I wanted. Then someone told me that School B would be better and I rethought my entire graduate school choice.

And apparently, I do this a lot. I don't seems to really make any decisions without first consulting someone else. I need to hear their verbal approval before I head forward.

Maybe it's the artist in me. Have I mentioned I'm an artist? My BA is in Film. My Masters will be in film as well. So maybe it's the artistic side that craves approval. I want people to tell me I did good. That my work is good. To be proud of what I did so that I can be proud of what I did.

But that, frankly, is crap.

Why do I need to wait for someone else's approval before I can feel approved? Why is my approval, my opinion, my sentiment not enough?

Because I'm human. Because I'm still in my twenties and not fully developed. Because I feel other people validate my work more than I do, maybe.

I could think of a thousand reasons but it all comes down to this- I want people's approval. And I delude myself into thinking that my decisions and accomplishments are nothing without other people's approval. I mean, I almost gave up a once in a lifetime opportunity to study in Ireland because I thought someone might disagree with my decision.

Granted, this person is someone important. I value their opinion and they play an important role in my life. But they aren't me. And I shouldn't base my life around what they expect me to do.

It should be based on what I want to do. Sure, people will have experienced instruction on certain matters. And of course, I should take other people's feelings into consideration- let's not be a jerk. But I can care how others feel without caring about what they think.

Because making a choice solely based on what someone else thinks is pointless. It sucks the life from you.

To be frank, the amount of time your choices cross their mind in is small. Not to say you aren't important, but people don't spend most of their day focused only on someone else's life.

Okay, I feel like I'm rambling now. So I'll try and sum this up.

I wrote this post because I realized that I'm letting too much of my life center around the idea of letting others down. And I'm tired of that. I don't know how to fix it. I'm sorry if you kept reading thinking there was an answer. All I know is that if I want to be happy- to stop having these attacks whenever I make a choice bigger than "paper or plastic?"- I need to stop circling around other's thoughts. I need to be okay with what I think. I need to not wait for words of affirmation before I move on.

Don't you agree?

Oh wait, I don't need to care.

RB

Good Morning, Melmac

Dear ---, well....

To be honest, I'm not really sure who I'm writing this blog for.

Maybe it's for me. Maybe it's for the universe. Maybe it's for a short, hair creature traveling from the planet Melmac (that's 80's references- they happen a lot).

The point is: there is no point.

I get bad anxiety and that anxiety lessens when I talk about my problems, but talking about them to an actual person makes me anxious. Fun cycle, isn't it?

So I'm talking about them here. Or, rather, writing about them here. For this little corner of the internet. Where it might only be read by one bored CPA as he's stuck in a two hour layover Googling the word "Melmac"- which has now appeared two times in this post.

As the title implies, these will be the ramblings of a person with a lot of ambition, and a lot of anxiety. Hopefully, the first one will win out.

At least, that's the one I'm rooting for.

RB